Transitions
sometimes I miss my dad's mutton curry
A couple months ago, I posted a recipe video with a voiceover about how vegetarianism made more sense to me than veganism in certain situations. The point of the video was to highlight gatekeeping and the pressure to make “perfect” consumption choices. The video was controversial for reasons I understand, but it still bothered me that some commenters made assumptions about my morals based on a 30-second voiceover. The conversation deserves more nuance (which I discuss further here).
This first piece zooms into the summer of 2020, when I first decided to make a change. Here I discuss transitioning to veganism, which implies that I am currently vegan. While I am vegan 99% of the time, I make some exceptions and go by “plant-based” (a blurry distinction, I know) when asked. Still, veganism marked my initial transition so I continue to use the term throughout this piece.
“You’re vegetarian, right?” The question is familiar, given that several of my Indian-American elementary school classmates were vegetarian, but the assumption still irritates me. I think of the golden-brown dino nuggets stuffed in the freezer, the Kashmiri chili-spiced rogan josh (mutton curry) my dad effortlessly whipped up in the heart of the woods last weekend, and my family’s uncontested weekly of fish filet in hot sauce at Hunan Chili, a local Chinese restaurant that sadly closed down years ago. So no, Suzie, I am not vegetarian.
I relished my ability to adventure through all-you-can-eat buffets, with my father licking his lips across the table. He beamed with pride, knowing that he raised a daughter with plenty of fears, but trying anything and everything was not one of them. I valued the blissful silence that came with devouring his famous chicken curry—a silence broken only by hands mixing rice, my plea for seconds, and soft ephemeral gasps bookending each bite. The tender chicken drumsticks neatly lay in an aromatic gravy that screamed, “Yes! He really did spend 45 minutes on just the onions! Low and slowwwwww, baby!” Neither he nor I anticipated that veganism would ever cut through the silence.
Many vegans make the change overnight, after wallowing in a traumatizing account of factory farming. I, on the other hand, fiercely clung to my habits. The thought of not having 7-minute soft-boiled eggs sprinkled with kala namak (black salt) every morning made my head spin. As my interest in our food system deepened, I sought out the information I wanted to hear. I treated Michael Pollan’s The Omnivore’s Dilemma as the bible for conscious consumption, in which he supports eating meat sourced from local farmers. While I appreciate Pollan’s role in sparking conversations about our food system, he focuses on the dichotomy between industrial and pastoral systems, which makes it difficult for the average middle-class consumer who may only have access to what lies in between. (Here is a great piece by Alicia Kennedy about that.) Oh well. I didn’t live on a farm. I suppose conscious consumption was too complicated for me to pursue.
But then came wildfire season.
My camera roll grew saturated with deceiving images of pink-golden sunrises, brought to you by California wildfires. One day in August 2020, I snuggled in my bed all day, looking out the window at the burnt auburn clouds that loomed over the neighboring daycare. The fact that this was happening in the midst of a global pandemic made it feel even more apocalyptic. The sky and air quality convinced me to skip my run, which was one of the few daily activities worth looking forward to that summer. The absence of my Asics from the streets struck a deep chord and suddenly, my thoughts revolved around the climate crisis.
Within a week, I streamed Cowspiracy, What the Health, Food Inc, and every episode of How to Save a Planet. I was initially drawn to the climate argument, but eventually, to the political and health reasons. I walked around my neighborhood listening to podcasts about how heavily subsidized the meat, dairy, and corn industries are, leading to consequences for low-income communities and health disparities. I ate a mountain of watermelon with chaat masala on the couch while watching documentaries and admonishing the revolving door between industry and government, which leads to the prioritization of financial interests over living beings and the environment.
I knew my individual choices wouldn’t make a difference in the grand scheme of society, but I was starting to find purpose in being part of something larger than myself. Every night, I reported the day’s findings to my parents. My mom listened intently and my dad often argued, spewing out theories about how the chickens would take over the world.
One night, my dad prepared his mutton curry: a dish that usually prompted me to finish my vegetables quickly so I could move on to scooping richly-spiced gravy with roti, completely uninterrupted by okra or spinach. That night, however, I felt nothing but an aching confusion that I now understand is cognitive dissonance.
For the next several months, I relied on environmental reasons to justify my choices. The people around me tend to believe in climate change, so it felt convenient and palatable. However, when I took a food politics class, my belief that eating meat was natural was challenged by the concept of speciesism—specifically, how we treat some animals as companions and others as food. In “Carnism: Why Eating Animals is a Social Justice Issue,” Melanie Joy writes, “most of us would never condone killing a perfectly healthy six-month-old golden retriever who ‘had a good life’ simply because we like the way her thighs taste.”
I’ve never identified as an animal lover. I’m still not the kind of person who squeals over cute dogs on the street or hugs goats or whatever. But as a recent carousel post by @peacebyvegan states: “Animals value their lives, and that should be the only reason we ever need to value their lives as well.”
When I first went vegan, I made it clear that I wanted to continue eating meat when produced in a sustainable manner where animals are treated with respect. But now I felt uncomfortable eating animals at all, no matter how much they frolicked on idyllic fields.
“Are you sure you don’t want at least one piece of mutton?” my dad asks in Hindi, “The system isn’t going to get any better if you don’t eat it…”
I knew that was true. My eyes travel to my parents’ plates and back to my chole, which my mom prepared without my knowledge to make sure I was eating something I loved if I had to sit next to my dad, who was already audibly sucking on bones. In my bowl, the melt-in-your-mouth chickpeas sank into flavors resembling the base of his curry: onions, ginger, tomatoes, turmeric, chilis, cumin, coriander…I hope I never forget the taste of my dad’s mutton curry. I definitely won’t ever forget it. But for now, I’d prefer to eat adventurously without eating animals.
SPICE RACK
dishing on the favorites
cooking: Not much going on because I’ve been away from home, but I made jackfruit kofta for my dad’s birthday yesterday! And plenty of papdi chaat with kala chana, spicy potatoes, and sprouted moong.
drinking: Cold coffee, after Eats by Ramya reminded me that it exists and I started longing for my Cafe Coffee Day days in India. It’s different from iced coffee because you blend instant coffee, milk, and ice. It’s foamy, frothy, and a sign that I need to buy decaf instant coffee because I can’t handle caffeine everyday but I know I’m going to want this everyday.
dining: Nothing remarkable, but I did go to Chaat Bhavan in Fremont and eat disappointing bhel puri—disappointing because I expected a fun marriage between bhel and papdi chaat but got soggy bhel. Clearly, I need some chaat terminology education. The other stuff at the table was good.
reading: Started Interpreter of Maladies by Jhumpa Lahiri.
listening: I got back into my podcast rhythm, so a lot going on here.
Many episodes of Point of Origin, the podcast about foodways by Whetstone Media.
The Bittersweet Joy in Longing | Susan Cain - For my fellow “I love sad girl music” people.
Flightless Bird: Healthcare (Armchair Expert)
Anything Goes with Emma Chamberlain, hehe
For music: Phoebe Bridgers’ Punisher and Taylor Swift’s Speak Now. I’m manifesting a fall release.